Because of Him Read online

  “You didn’t have to come,” I said for the thousandth time.

  “Your mother has been restless.”

  Dad’s cryptic response probably meant that Mom was driving him insane with her worry.

  Only I couldn’t focus on them. What were the odds that I would end up seeing Tade, where he sat with another girl?

  I couldn’t comprehend the sick feeling I had in my gut. It wasn’t like we’d labeled anything we had. And I hadn’t had a chance to tell Megan the specific words in his text message, which read, I have to cancel. I’ll explain later. But please trust me. That last part seemed odd since we hadn’t defined anything between us until recently.

  “Who is that boy you keep staring at?”

  Mom’s question snapped my attention back on her.

  “No one.”

  “No one? You’re leering at the boy. Haven’t you been warned enough about boys?”

  Her words weren’t angry, but a plea for me not to be stupid.

  “He’s just a friend.”

  Though if that were true, why did I feel that pit of jealousy growing inside me? He hadn’t made any declarations or promises to me other than asking me to trust him, which kept replaying in my head.

  “Boyfriends are trouble, Rae. You know this. Haven’t we had this conversation when boys tried to talk to you?”

  My parents had been glued to me over the years, especially my mother. The rare times we’d left the house and I’d been alone long enough for a guy to speak to me, Mom would appear and whisk me away. Then I would get the drawn-out speech about life and safety, which would result in a family therapy session. It had gotten so bad, any glance from a boy would send me in the opposite direction. Fear was a powerful thing. I just wasn’t sure who I was more afraid of: my mother or a boy.

  Mom droned on and I found her words began to blur together. I’d heard it all before and I wasn’t in the mood to hear it again.

  Little by little, I shifted my gaze back to where Tade sat. He was across the room, jacket off, biceps flexed.

  The power in his muscles didn’t scare me. He hadn’t overpowered me or stolen my virtue like Mom thought all guys would. He’d been sweet.

  Yet he sat with someone else. She was gorgeous, which wasn’t surprising. He was a beautiful man. How could I have even thought he’d be interested in me?

  Her mouth moved like she was telling him a secret. When her hands landed on his, he didn’t pull away. I was just about to turn my head when his startled eyes met mine.

  Immediately, I shifted my focus back to my parents.

  “Are you even listening to me?” Mom demanded.

  “Yes,” I lied, which felt foreign on my tongue. I tried my best to be honest with her, as the therapist had suggested. This lie felt big because it was more significant than the one I’d told her over the weekend. I didn’t count the lie about leaving the house because she’d been spooked something bad would happen to me. When I’d said it, it had been the truth. Megan had convinced me to go in an effort to break the hold Mom had over my life.

  “Why is that boy coming over here?”

  I looked up to see Tade moving in our direction. I frantically shook my head at his approach.

  22

  TADE

  The panicked look in her eyes had me bypassing her table where she sat with people I guessed were her parents.

  Not sure what else to do, I found my waitress and asked for the check. It wasn’t like anything had come from the supposed information I was to get out of this dinner.

  “Time to go,” I said when I made it back to the table.

  “No time for dessert?”

  She winked at me. I glanced at my phone. “No, I have to get back.”

  After paying the bill, I steered her a different way out of the restaurant. No need to parade the fact that I’d been out with someone else in front of Biscuit.

  When we made it to the truck, I opened the passenger side.

  “You know I never pegged you for a F-150 type of guy.”

  I wasn’t, but she didn’t need to know that. At the last minute, I’d borrowed Gavin’s truck. I didn’t like the idea of driving this girl around in my car. It felt wrong. There was only one person I wanted in my passenger seat. I just had to find a way to make it up to her that I’d been out with someone else.

  I’d planned to tell her the truth—most of it anyway. I’d just wanted to do it in person. I hoped that she took my text to heart.

  “There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” I told the girl as she settled in.

  If I had my say, she wouldn’t know anything more, either.

  “I’d like to find out,” she said, leaning toward me.

  “I have a girlfriend,” I reminded her.

  She pouted, but gave up for the rest of our drive. When I pulled up to her dorm she didn’t immediately get out.

  “You know, I don’t get it. Jenny said you were a great ride.”

  “Jenny should keep her mouth shut.”

  Apparently, I’d rolled the dice and crapped out with that chick.

  “She said you had a—”

  “Look, I have to go.”

  Part of my agreement with Gavin included me handing over my keys in case I didn’t make it back in time. The last thing I needed was my car involved in a crime. Because I was pretty sure Gavin wasn’t a boy scout.

  She folded her arms across her chest. “If Jenny hadn’t said you were a good lay, I’d think you were gay. No guy has ever turned me down before.”

  Bored and trying my best not to be a total asshole by telling her to get the fuck out, I said, “There’s a first time for everything.”

  “Yeah, maybe I should call that reporter back, the one that took your picture. Just because I told him I didn’t know you, doesn’t mean I can’t call him back and give him Jenny’s name.”

  The guy had only asked her a bunch of questions, giving her my name to jog her memory. Her threat was pointless. If Jenny had known anything, she would have spilled it to her, seeing as Jenny had no problem telling about our one and only fuck.

  “Do whatever you want.”

  “Fine,” she spat out.

  “A piece of advice,” I offered as she had one foot out the door. When she didn’t answer, I continued. “There are a lot of guys out there not nice like me. Some would take you up on your offer and pass you around to their friends.” Or worse. But as she called me a jackass and slammed the truck door, I didn’t get the opportunity to add that.

  I shook my head and drove off to find Gavin, making his way to my car. He tossed in a bag and then we switched seats. I barely had a chance to fire off a text to Biscuit before he grilled me.

  “So how was it? You didn’t fuck in my truck, did you?”

  “Nothing happened.”

  He chuckled. “Either you're losing your touch or you’ve got it bad for Reagan.”

  “I’ll admit that as soon as you admit you’re still panting after Megan.”

  That quieted him down. We didn’t talk for the rest of the ride. When we stopped on a lone stretch of road with trees on either side and nothing but headlights to light our way, I eyed my best friend.

  High beams from another car illuminated the cab of the truck before blinking out.

  “Wait here,” Gavin said before pulling a duffle from behind the seat.

  It didn’t take a genius to guess what was going on.

  “Gav, what the hell?”

  He stopped. “Just stay here.”

  “What kind of illegal shit are you in? Is this a drop?”

  He chuckled. “You’ve been watching too much TV, my friend.”

  “Don’t play me. We’re supposed to be friends.”

  His brow lifted.

  “Yeah, when was the last time you shared about anything?” That got me to back down, at least for a second. “But you don’t have to worry. This isn’t anything that could get you arrested.”

  I wanted to buy his story, but I’d seen scenarios l
ike this play out, and not on some TV drama. He was gone before I could say anything else. So I played my role, the one he hadn’t defined. I watched the other guy step from the car. Good thing the sky was clear, giving the moon enough space to light up the road between the trees.

  The man, who looked like a pissed-off Santa without the white hair and beard, ambled forward like he was straight out of the movie Scarface. He had a limp, but it wasn’t pronounced.

  They didn’t talk loud. All I heard was muffled chatter. Gavin dropped the duffle between them. The man gave him a put-out look. Next thing I knew, another door opened. I didn’t wait. I jumped out and moved to stand next to Gavin.

  He glanced at me a second before the potbellied guy spoke.

  “Who are you?”

  His New York accent was clear.

  “He’s nobody to you,” Gavin said, before I could form my own response.

  The second guy huffed his way over. These two couldn’t take us unless they had a gun. My money was that they were both packing. Which left us sorely at a disadvantage, unless Gavin had not one, but two, guns in his waistband at his back. I had to operate on the idea he didn’t, as I couldn’t ask at the moment.

  There were a whole lot of wary stares traded between us.

  “Take it. It’s all there.”

  Bad Santa pointed a finger at me. “You look familiar.”

  Gavin took a step forward. His movement wasn’t straight. He’d purposefully angled to be just a little in front of me to pull the guy’s attention back on him. He toed the bag, pushing it toward the guy.

  “You can count it if you want.”

  “I believe you.”

  The guy dropped the finger at the bag and grunted to his friend with a head bob in the same direction.

  Humpty, who looked like he would crack if he bent forward, sighed before bending his knees and breathing hard while picking it up.

  “We square?” Gavin asked.

  The guy nodded. Nobody wanted to leave themselves vulnerable. So we took backward steps to our cars. It said a lot about us and them.

  After we got in the car, we didn’t speak. He put the car in reverse as did they, until there was enough separation. Then Gavin turned the car around and sped off, doing several checks in the rearview mirror. When he let off the speed, I finally opened my mouth.

  “Don’t ask,” Gavin said. “And I won’t have to lie to you.”

  “You know you can tell me anything. I’ve got your back.”

  “Yeah, but some shit doesn’t need to be said.”

  I thought about how his dad was a crab fisherman. Did Gavin feel pressure like my father to do stuff to make ends meet? Because all I could think was not illegal my ass. Then I checked my phone to see if Biscuit had returned my text.

  23

  REAGAN

  With my back to the door, I closed my eyes and forced myself to breathe.

  “How did it go?”

  I glanced up to see Megan dressed in Cinderella-patterned flannel pajama bottoms, a light blue tank top underneath a baby blue fuzzy robe.

  For a second, I allowed myself to envy her whimsical nature and freedom to be herself. Because at the moment, I didn’t know who I was.

  I held up my phone, giving it a little shake.

  “She’s called five times since I got out of the car. Rae have you got in, are you in your room, did you lock your door, don’t you want to come back home…”

  I had to breathe after rattling off the chain of messages that filled my screen.

  “That was four, but I get it,” Megan said.

  The fifth was about Tade. You’re not going to remain friends with that boy.

  I opened my eyes and stared at my friend. “You can say it.” Her smile was a little sad, almost how I felt. “Go ahead,” I dared.

  “She’s a little certifiable.”

  “That’s an understatement.”

  We laughed, and it felt good until mine turned into a sob. I caught myself and stopped it before it tore free.

  I’d closed my eyes again and hadn’t noticed Megan’s approach before she wrapped me in a hug.

  “Thank God you’re not crazy,” she said softly. Her next words weren’t soft as she pulled back. “What set her off this time?”

  It could have been one of a million things or nothing at all.

  “Dad thinks she’s off her meds.”

  Megan’s features screwed into a grimace.

  “Not good. I had an aunt like that. Looney as they come. She had good and bad days.”

  “Today was definitely a bad day. It didn’t help that she saw Tade.”

  Megan’s jaw went slack. “You invited Tade to dinner with your parents?” I shook my head no. “He was with Gavin?”

  I repeated my silent response before answering. “He was out with another girl.”

  “Wait! What?”

  God, I loved her. She looked ready to fight on my behalf instead of blaming me.

  Finally, I let my shoulders slump.

  “I don’t know what to think. He sent me that puzzling text.”

  “About canceling your date?”

  I nodded. “After he said he would explain later, he ended it with asking me to trust him.”

  “Sounds suspicious to me. What a douche!”

  “I might have thought so, but he came over like he wanted to be introduced to my parents.”

  “Did you? Introduce them, that is.”

  “I shook my head so he wouldn’t.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Then what happened?”

  “He kept going and didn’t stop at our table.”

  “Can you be sure he really meant to come over to you guys?”

  I couldn’t be sure of anything. “I don’t know. After, Mom went off like a bomb—boys were bad, all the terrible things that start with b.”

  She tried not to laugh, but I smiled, which set her off into a fit of giggles. When she settled down, she soberly added, “You should talk to him.”

  That surprised me. “Really?”

  “Yeah, misunderstandings suck, especially when you aren’t given a chance to explain.”

  The way she spoke sounded like it was coming from experience.

  “Text him that you want to meet up tomorrow.”

  “I have an appointment with the psychologist in the morning, then I have class.”

  “What about after, or else it’s going to eat away at you.”

  It would. I sent a quick message for him to meet me after my last class. I set my phone down and got ready for bed so I didn’t stare at it, waiting for his response.

  The next morning, I sat in the chair across from the woman I’d been speaking to weekly since I started school here last semester.

  “How are things?” she asked, breaking my silence.

  That was all it took to open the floodgate. I told her all about my parents showing up last night.

  “We talked about boundaries. Did you exercise them?”

  “They showed up. Was I supposed to tell them I wouldn’t see them after they’d driven two-plus hours to see me?”

  The casual rise of her eyebrow was far easier than telling my parents no.

  “You are allowed to have a life.”

  “Am I? It doesn’t feel that way.”

  “This is more about your mother than your father?”

  “Yes. Dad’s been pulled into this.”

  As if in prayer, she pressed her hands together before slowly tapping them.

  “Has she, your mother that is, ever told you what happened to her?”

  I’d thought about that a lot over the years.

  “Not in detail. I know something did happen, just not specifically what.”

  “And your dad, does he know?”

  “I’m not sure. I know she did a good job at pretending she was fine when they met. She lost it because of me.”

  “You can’t blame yourself. Everyone has their own way of coping.” When I didn’t respond fast enough, she switched
gears. “Last we spoke, you’d gone on a date. How are things?”

  “I’m not sure.” I told her about Tade and how it related to my dinner last night. I also mentioned his text.

  “Do you want to continue to pursue this relationship?”

  Was that what it was?

  “How can I, when I’m not normal?”

  She tsked. “There’s no yardstick for normal. It varies person to person.”

  “How can I bring him into my family’s brand of crazy? If he ever met my mother, he’d make a run for it.”

  “I’m not sure that he should ever meet your mother,” she said, honestly. “And maybe I shouldn’t say that. But you deserve to have what you call normal.”

  “Is it fair for me to be normal when she’s not?”

  Her concerned look was answer enough.

  “It’s your life, Reagan. You have to live it, not your mother.”

  Her words replayed in my head as I left my last class to meet up with Tade.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and took a deep breath before answering.

  “Hello,” I said tiredly, leaving out Mom’s name feeling like I was tied to a tree and an angry mob was about to set fire to it.

  “Reagan.”

  My name coming from his lips sounded frantic.

  “Tade.”

  I still couldn’t believe he was calling. We mostly texted and his voice was filled with panic.

  “You’re okay?”

  “Yes, why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Where are you?”

  Dumbly, I glanced around after he asked. “I’m on my way to meet you.”

  “Good, see you there in five.”

  He hung up as I stared at my phone in puzzlement.

  When I walked into the busy café, I was snagged to the side.

  He didn’t give me time to say hello before his lips landed on mine in the softest kiss that made my legs turn to Jell-O. As he swiped his tongue across my own, there was also something a little desperate in the way he held me.

  When he pulled back, I couldn’t speak because he’d stolen my breath.

  “You’re okay. When you didn’t answer…”

  I wasn’t sure anyone could sound more relieved than he did. Then I remembered that I’d silenced my phone during class. It had buzzed, but I’d ignored it. He hadn’t left a message.