Changing Hearts Page 3

  “Damn, Julie. Shit.”

  He doesn’t know it’s me? His lids were still shut like he was in a trance. I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or disappointed. But this is Sawyer, and I did what I’d been taught to do.

  “Fuck, I’m going to come and I want to be inside you.”

  Clouds had covered the moon. Darkness won out over the light in the room. Still, he would figure out, wouldn’t he? Say something, anything.

  But this is Sawyer. When he shifted off the sofa and came behind where I knelt, I didn’t breathe. I didn’t move. Surely he’d figure out his mistake. Yes, it was dark, but he’d feel the difference between me and her. Wouldn’t he?

  Say something, anything.

  His finger probed me. “Damn, you’ve been hiding you’re a dirty girl.”

  So many questions had plagued me over the years. It was why I did nothing as Sawyer prepared me. When at last it happened, I bit into the cushion, muffling my cry. Behind me, he cursed, mixed with her name, not mine. Yet, when my dick hardened, I hated myself for enjoying the moment. It didn’t take forever for me to come with tears in my eyes and him long and thick inside me. Seconds later, he did too, pulling out to slump to the floor. My adjusted vision spied that his eyes were shut before he hit it.

  I turned, hoping Julie was still passed out. But she stared up at me. Ashamed, I turned away, crawled on the sofa, and tucked myself in a ball. Maybe I was just high and this had been a hallucination. Maybe I was back home in my room with…maybe I would wake up and things between Sawyer and me wouldn’t have to change. Just maybe…

  FOUR

  Shelly

  I chose a loose shirt that hid the weeks of pizza and snow and very little activity Chicago had afforded me. An Oklahoma summer heat wave hadn’t melted away excess body fat over the last several months like I’d hoped. I’d be starting my first college soon not yet at my goal weight. Though my plan to lose the weight faster was starting to work, it was hard to limit what I ate with Mom’s cooking so tempting. After every meal, I felt gross and stuffed to the point of nausea.

  Dad would be here soon and I’d fretted over what to wear. I hadn’t seen him in a while since he still traveled back and forth between Chicago and home. I wanted him to think of me as his angel, not the slug I’d felt like.

  My worry over my appearance only heightened after hearing Mom on the phone with her friend. She complained that Dad had moved on to a younger, skinnier woman with kids. That stung, especially when Mom commented to her friend that Dad was more of a father to them than he had been to us since we moved back.

  It didn’t matter that I knew on some level Dad still loved me. I hadn’t seen him in months and I hoped the few pounds I’d shed would show.

  The doorbell rang. I glanced out the window to see a sedan I didn’t recognize. How far had our family split that Dad rang the doorbell?

  “Shelly, your dad is here.”

  I bounded downstairs feeling like I was ten again and Daddy had made it home for dinner.

  “Angel,” he said with open arms, coming through the door.

  Though I didn’t like whatever was going on between him and Mom, it didn’t stop me from falling into his embrace. Dad was a big man himself, tall and solid. He certainly hadn’t given up any calories, though he wasn’t pudgy.

  “Let me look at you,” he said, taking a step back.

  Proud of how hard I’d worked to lose the few pounds I had, I smiled.

  “Looks like you still like those pastries your mother makes.”

  My happiness turned bitter. I felt like running to the bathroom and forcing up the few crackers I’d eaten today.

  “Byron, don’t say that. She looks great.”

  Then, like old times, I was suddenly forgotten. They spoke about me as if I wasn’t in the room.

  “And she hasn’t had a boyfriend yet. Don’t you think that’s strange?” Dad asked Mom.

  Silently, I walked down the back hall and out that door. I sat on the porch, tucking my head against my knees.

  It wasn’t long before my brother showed up. From where he parked on the street, we caught sight of each other and he headed my way. Tall like our father, he’d had his pick of girlfriends growing up. Even a few of mine turned all giggly in his presence.

  “He’s here.” He’d easily read the expression on my face.

  I nodded. “He’s inside arguing with Mom.”

  Greg’s expression darkened and he stormed for the door. His and Dad’s relationship had been rocky to begin with. It was even worse after everything.

  “Shell, are you okay?”

  I hadn’t noticed Roy with my brother. He sat next to me and slung an arm over my shoulder. How weak was I that I didn’t move away? The boy I’d saved myself for and hadn’t dated anyone else because I’d been in a secret relationship with him.

  I wiped my eyes and admitted the truth. “No, I’m not.”

  He caressed the side of my face, swiping at my tears. There was a moment when every emotion between us rose in my chest. He must have felt it too, because he leaned in.

  That was when my brain came online and I managed to narrowly avoid his kiss.

  “What are you doing?” The indignation I’d felt from my father’s words fueled the anger I felt toward Roy. “You have a girlfriend.”

  He freed his hand from the tangle of my hair.

  “We broke up.”

  I barked out a short, humorless laugh. “And you just assumed you’d come back to me?” Not that I believed for one moment he was telling me the truth. Greg mentioned offhandedly that Roy had been looking for a ring.

  “I never stopped having feelings for you.”

  The chortle I let out was a little on the manic side. “You have a twisted way of showing it.”

  “I thought you weren’t coming back.”

  “No, you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants, even when we were together if you’d just be honest for once. Besides, that’s not the excuse you gave me when I moved back. Wasn’t it, you’re too good for me?” I mocked.

  I stood up, knowing that some of these same words should be said to my father.

  His ire rose. “It’s not like you were giving me any.”

  “I saved myself for you.”

  My shout echoed in the trees behind my house. That was when I noticed my father standing in the doorway. Roy got to his feet in a hurry.

  “I should go,” Roy said quickly.

  He didn’t live on our street, but it wasn’t a far walk. He left like he had fire ants in his shoes.

  “Can you come in? Your mom and I would like to talk to the both of you.”

  I nodded, glancing over my shoulder to see that Roy had long disappeared.

  Greg and I sat together on the couch as Mom and Dad stood before us. I heard everything and nothing. They’d decided it was best that Dad remain in Chicago since he’d made partner. Mom needed to stay here to take care of Grandma. It wouldn’t be an adjustment. Dad hadn’t truly lived here since we moved back. They further justified themselves by saying that I was going to college soon and Greg no longer lived at home. They felt as though their separation wouldn’t affect the two of us. They danced around the word separation, not calling it what it was. Mom never forced Dad to admit to his extramarital affair.

  At some point, I got up against the protest of my parents. I went to my room, shutting the door and turning some music on. I texted my friends in Chicago and a few in town, seeking anything to do to take my mind off of my dad and Roy.

  None of us would be going to the same school, except for Brie. Though she and I weren’t that close, she would be the only person I knew at college.

  FIVE

  SAWYER

  When I dared open my eyes, blinding sunlight sent a shockwave of pain through my head. Fuck my life. What the hell had I drunk last night? I remembered the one bottle. But snatches of images like Ash kissing me invaded my wakeful state. I shook my head. No fucking way.

  Then memories of me�
�Julie. Shit! I’d banged her…hard. Worse, I was fairly sure I’d gone for her ass too. Anal? What the fuck? I cringed. What would I say to her after what we did last night? She probably hated me. For sure I’d blown any chance I might have had with her unless…that was just a hallucination.

  Cookies…I remembered Julie having a bag of them. What had been in those damn cookies? It had to be more than weed because I’d been out of my mind. I couldn’t make out in my head what was real and what was a fucked-up dream.

  I started to push myself off the floor when I heard voices somewhere behind me and the sofa I lay in front of.

  “You regret it?” Ash asked.

  It was Julie’s voice I heard next. “No, it’s not that.”

  I ceased moving. I fucked Julie last night repeated in my head. And she regretted it. I plastered a hand over my eyes. That was the main reason I’d never gone there before. What the hell had I been thinking?

  More images flooded my head. Me between her legs. Shit. My dick woke up with that thought.

  “It’s just weird,” Julie said.

  “Why?” Ash took the words from my mouth.

  “I wanted to tell you this last night. I thought the cookies would give me courage.” She paused and I held my breath. “I like you.”

  “I like you too.” Ash was clearly clueless.

  “No, I mean I really like you.”

  There was a long pause before Ash spoke. “You should know that Sawyer was serious about what he said.”

  “What? That he wanted to marry me?”

  I could imagine Ash nodding, not wanting to talk anymore. “He’s carried a torch for you forever. You’re the reason he’s never had a girlfriend.”

  Damn Ash, shared much?

  “There’s no way. Even if that’s true, I love him, but not the same way I feel for you. It’s always been you.”

  “I can’t do that to him.”

  “But last night…I always assumed it could never be because…well, you know. But last night you touched me. You kissed me.”

  “Your shoulder,” Ash quickly corrected.

  He sounded out of sorts and ready to bolt.

  “Do you feel anything for me?”

  “It doesn’t matter what I feel.”

  “Oh, Ash…”

  “Don’t.” Had she tried to touch him? “I won’t do this to him,” Ash finished.

  “So that’s it? Or is it something else? I saw the two of you last night.”

  “You don’t know what you saw,” Ash snapped.

  Julie spat fire. “Oh, I know what I saw.”

  “Don’t say it. You don’t understand. He didn’t know.”

  What the fuck? Julie had shoulder-length hair. I remember short hair fisted in my hand as I…

  “You’re not going to tell him, are you?” Pause. “You’re in love with him.”

  “That’s not true.”

  Her voice got closer. “It is. It’s always been him for you. I’d always written that off because of the rumors of your actions.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s not like that.”

  I closed my eyes and pretended to be passed out. She was moving very close to where I lay.

  “I have to go,” she declared.

  “What about Sawyer? It’s his birthday today.”

  “I can’t. If he asked me anything, I’d tell him the truth. I don’t want to hurt him. Only one of us should hurt. And I guess that’s me. Bye, Ash.”

  “Julie, wait.”

  The door opened and she left. Ash waited a beat, and then he followed. I took a moment before I propped myself up. The pain in my head was nothing compared to what I felt in my chest. Confusion threw a cloud over everything.

  I didn’t know how long I sat there until Ash came back. He shuffled to a stop when he saw me.

  “You’re awake.”

  I pointed to my head. “I have a bitch of a headache.”

  He grabbed a bottle of water from the mini fridge in the cabinet below the TV and tossed it to me.

  “Thanks.”

  He folded himself to sit next to me and leaned his head back on the sofa to stare at the ceiling. I wasn’t sure how to approach the subject.

  “I really fucked up things last night.”

  He spoke barely above a whisper. “We were all wasted.”

  “True. But I messed things up with Julie. She probably hates me for what I did to her last night.”

  “No, she doesn’t. And you didn’t do anything wrong,” he quickly said.

  “Then where is she?”

  “She remembered that her ticket to Connecticut was today, not tomorrow.”

  Ash just lied and he’d never done so before. It took everything in me to say the next words.

  “You know, if you have a thing for Julie, I’m okay with it.”

  His head snapped up and he glared at me like I’d grown horns.

  “There’s nothing going on between us. Julie knows you’re the better guy. She doesn’t need someone as fucked up as me.”

  How could I call him out on a lie when he so completely had my back? I felt like a fucking chick for a second as the back of my eyes burned. No one, not even my brother, would stand up for me the way Ash did. But I had to ask one more question.

  “I’ve got to be crazy, right? But I remember you kissing me.”

  I couldn’t ask about the rest of it because that was insane.

  Ash laughed. “Dude, do you want to kiss me?”

  His chuckle ended and we just stared at each other. He hadn’t exactly answered the question. The real one was did I really want to know? If we went there, if we acknowledged what might have gone down, everything would change.

  “Yeah, that’s stupid. I must have dreamed that shit.”

  Ash’s head bobbed.

  “Dreaming about me?” Ash teased.

  “More like a fucking nightmare,” I jested.

  That was when I saw it. Just for a second, his mask slipped. Fuck!

  The door opened. We both turned to see my father standing there.

  “Dad.” I scrambled to my feet, grateful for the interruption but also wary from his murderous expression.

  “Was this your idea?”

  He pointed toward the hall and the remnants of the party from last night.

  I shook my head. “It was Tomas’s idea.”

  Throwing someone under the bus wasn’t my thing. Only Tom could weather it. Dad would still blame me. I was always to blame. It was his way of reminding me that he wished I wasn’t his son.

  Dad turned to glare at Ash. Then Ash looked at me. I nodded. Our house was Ash’s safe place. Whatever had set Dad off, I didn’t want it to bleed over to Ash. Dad could say something stupid and ban him from coming over. Ash got up and glanced at me again before quietly leaving the room.

  “There is nothing I can do about your pansy ass brother.”

  I wanted to speak, stand up for my brother and his choices. When Dad was in this mood, it was best to listen. It wasn’t like anything I could say would change his close-mindedness.

  “He parades around my house with his…those friends of his…and he knows what I’m trying to do. You know what I’m trying to do.”

  He’d made his aspirations for the highest public office very clear.

  “But you I can control. You know why?”

  Because of what I’ve done.

  “Because you are not my son. You’re just a freeloader I allow to live in this house.”

  I gritted my teeth because maybe I deserved him disowning me. I was surprised he hadn’t done it years ago.

  “Don’t look so shocked. I adopted you and gave you my name. We should have told you years ago. Today you’re a man, eighteen. You need to know who controls the money. You do what I say and I’ll continue to invest in your future. Because I have no obligation anymore to do so, you will follow my rules or you will be cut off. Do we understand each other?”

  I didn’t know what to say. He isn
’t my father still rang in my head. Was Mom my mother?

  “Answer me!” he demanded.

  “Yes,” I said stiffly. He glared at me, so I changed it to, “Yes, sir.”

  There was a long moment before he left the room.

  What the fuck just happened? If he wasn’t my father, who the hell was?

  SIX

  SAWYER

  Freshman year of college

  I love pussy. In fact, I loved everything about it from the way it tasted to the way it felt wrapped around my cock. That was one of the reasons why I chose to go to Layton University and not some place like Harvard where my dad wanted me to go. Last thing I needed to deal with was stuck-up girls who thought their shit didn’t stink. Layton had it all. Women came in every shape, size, and color. And I was good with it all.

  A glance at Chance, one of my roommates, suggested he’d zeroed in on a particular female. She stood with a couple of other smoking hot chicks. One badass blonde met my eyes.

  But I wasn’t lying to him when I told him we were gods. Women were everywhere and we were the center of attention despite plenty of other guys around.

  Though the blonde, probably a former homecoming queen from the looks of it, appeared interested, I steered clear. Instead, I chose to walk over to another group of girls who didn’t look like they would spit in my face when I told them I was a two-for-one special. I glanced back at Ash. We’d played this game for a long time, and he understood the rules well. I didn’t have to nod or wave him over. With one glance, he headed in my direction.

  “Ladies,” I began.

  They giggled, each silently giving me the go ahead to choose them over the others. I glanced around until I found the one Ash would like best. She was short, long dark hair, with an ass that could stop traffic. My dick was on board. I made my move quick. A little whisper in her ear about all the dirty things I wanted to do, and she just nodded. Score.