Changing Hearts Read online

  “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me.”

  “It’s not that.”

  “What is it then?”

  I dropped my head and put my palms to my forehead.

  “I’m afraid to see you look differently at me when I tell you the truth.”

  She shifted forward and took my hands in hers. I faced her.

  “Just tell me.”

  I blew air from my lungs. “It was the day before my seventh birthday. My parents were fighting and sent Finn and me outside to play ball. I had this plastic ring and I wanted to ask Julie to marry me. I told you about that right?”

  She nodded, but sat a little straighter.

  “Just kids stuff. Anyway, it started to rain and Julie never answered me. My brother passed me the ball and I chucked it at the backboard hard and it ended up across the street. That’s when I found Ash lying on the ground. Finn called for the ball and I tossed it to him. He caught it and should have gone inside. He didn’t. And if I hadn’t been so fixated on Ash, I would have seen what happened next. Best guess is that Finn tried for another basket and the slick ball went back into the street where a car hit him.”

  She sucked in a breath.

  “I remember screaming, though at the time I didn’t know who was screaming. It felt like I’d left my body.”

  “Why don’t you know what happened?”

  “Finn doesn’t remember much beyond me passing him the ball.”

  I, on the other hand, never forgot. The day before my birthday was a sucker punch to my gut every year. It was a constant reminder of how I failed my brother. A day I tried to forget what I did wrong, knowing I refused to fail anyone else ever again.

  “Why is he in Europe?”

  “He’d been at Mount Sinai for a while. But when they couldn’t make him walk or hold a pencil, Dad had him shipped off to a private facility in Europe. He pretends like Finn doesn’t exist except to make me pay for it.”

  “But it’s not your fault.”

  “It is. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.”

  FORTY-EIGHT

  Shelly

  His look of utter devastation broke my heart in two.

  “You were six.”

  “I was the older brother. I should have been watching him and not wondering why Ash was lying in the grass. Thank fuck Dad doesn’t know that part or he’d make Ash suffer too.”

  “I’m sorry to say this, but your father is an asshole. He doesn’t want to accept responsibility for anything and is putting the blame on you.”

  “It wasn’t his fault. Like I said, I should have been there for my brother.”

  I decided to try reverse psychology on him. “So it’s Ash’s fault then.”

  “What?” His face screwed up. “No.”

  “But according to your logic, if Ash wouldn’t have been there, your attention wouldn’t have been diverted.”

  “Ash didn’t force me to do anything. I was the one who fucked up.”

  “And your father didn’t make you the parent. He should have been out there with you playing ball, not arguing with your mother.”

  His lips pursed. “You don’t understand. You’re not an older sister.”

  “No, but I feel protective over my brother. And I understand you are hurting. But it isn’t your fault.”

  “Can we just let it go?”

  I put the plate on his nightstand and crawled in his lap because I could. He didn’t push me away.

  “Is this why you play sports?”

  “Finn loved sports. He probably would have played basketball, but I was never good at that.”

  “So that’s why you play football.”

  “No, not exactly. I liked playing. Ash liked playing.”

  “I’m sensing a pattern here.”

  “What’s that?”

  “You, living your life for others.”

  He stood with me in his arms and then set me down.

  “I don’t need a lecture from you. I get enough of that from my father.”

  I moved in to wrap my arms around him. I stretched my neck to look up at him.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just that I care about you. And I don’t want you hurt.”

  “I don’t want that either. It’s probable they won’t let me play in the next game. If they do, I’ll play.”

  I stopped from pointing out the obvious. “Why?”

  “You don’t get it. I gave my word to play. My word means something. The team is counting on me.”

  I hoped the brow I arched was enough of a retort.

  “I’m going to find Mom and Tomas to see if they want to call Finn with me.”

  As he left, I cursed myself for pushing too hard. He wasn’t going to see reason with one conversation. He’d convinced himself for a long time it was his fault. I imagined at least Ashton had told him the same things I had. Or did he feel just as guilty as Sawyer?

  I didn’t go downstairs, not wanting to face everyone. They would see there was a problem and pounce. Some of my study materials were on Sawyer’s desk. Midterms were coming. I would just study. Then my eyes found the plate of food and my stomach grumbled. I’d eaten enough. I glanced in Sawyer’s mirror, which revealed the bloating in my belly. I thought about the ways I could rid myself of the excess. I don’t have an eating disorder. He was wrong. There was nothing wrong with eating healthy and wanting to be fit. So I moved across the room to sit and study.

  When Sawyer finally came back to his room, I’d fallen asleep. He tugged me close and covered us with a blanket. It wasn’t long before he’d drifted off to sleep.

  The next morning everyone who didn’t live here was gone, including Julie. I didn’t ask when she left. I just breathed a sigh of relief. Only the following week, the rest of us in the house were on edge because of midterms. The place was quiet as we all studied. Brie had practically moved in, claiming her roommate and the dorms made it impossible to study.

  Sawyer and I had the added pressure of studying for the LSAT in order to get into law school. He may be many things, but he didn’t play around with school. I felt like we hardly saw each other even though we lived together. He had study groups and so did I. Many nights, he came into his room late or not at all. And he still went to practice in the morning. He claimed he didn’t actually work out, but was required to show up.

  On Thursday night, Sawyer and I planned to study for the LSAT together. I sat in the living room with a book in my hand when he came in the front door.

  “How’d it go?” I asked about his test.

  “I think I did okay.” He came and flopped next to me. “How about you?”

  “One I nailed. I’m not sure about the other.” Thanksgiving break was coming up. We hadn’t talked about plans. “Are you going to Lenora and Kelley’s for Thanksgiving?”

  “Actually, I’m going to see Finn.”

  “Oh.”

  With everything going on with my parents, I wanted an excuse not to go home. And honestly, I liked being around Sawyer.

  “I thought maybe you’d go with me.”

  I opened my mouth to speak but couldn’t hide a grin.

  “I have access to the plane, so you’d only need a passport.”

  I was sure I fished mouthed. I knew he had money, but a plane?

  “You do have a passport?”

  “I do.” I’d have to find it at home. “I’ve been on cruises to the islands for family vacations.”

  His expression turned hopeful.

  “Will you go with me then?”

  “Europe?” There was no way I heard him correctly.

  “London would be our main stop, but we could go to Paris too if you want.”

  “Paris, London? We have less than a week vacation.”

  He was way too casual like it wasn’t a big deal. “Two days in London, two days in Paris, two days travel each way?”

  “That’s crazy.”

  “We can skip Paris and go there over winter break.”

>   It seemed so unreal. I was sure my dad made a ton of money as a lawyer. But our family was super conservative about spending. Nothing we did was spur of the moment.

  “I don’t know.”

  I stood up, expecting to pace. I didn’t think I’d black out from shock. But I felt myself falling, then nothing.

  When I woke, I blinked against the invading light.

  “What happened?”

  Sawyer hovered over me and based on the soft cushions underneath me, I lay on the sofa.

  “You passed out. I was about to call nine-one-one.”

  “Don’t,” I said, rubbing a hand over my head.

  “We need to call someone.”

  I reached for his arm, hoping to stop him.

  “How long was I out?”

  He shrugged. “Few seconds, a minute. I don’t know, but you scared me, firecracker.”

  I tried to sit up, but my vision blurred and I lay back.

  “Have you eaten anything today?”

  That gave me pause. I couldn’t remember. Between tests, I crammed. Food had been the last thing on my mind. If I wanted to get in one of the best law schools in the country, my grades had to stay up along with high marks on the LSAT.

  “I had an apple, I think.”

  He picked up my phone. “Call your mom.”

  “Are you serious?”

  His frown only deepened. “Either you call your mom or I call nine-one-one.”

  “Fine.” I snatched the phone from his hand and called her.

  I glared at him when I had to promise to go to see our family doctor before Mom was appeased. When I hung up, Sawyer was in the kitchen.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Making you something to eat.”

  A few minutes later, he came over with a sandwich. I didn’t argue because I was hungry.

  The next day, I was grilled by my doctor.

  “So, this is the first time you’ve passed out?”

  I nodded. He glanced over at my mom before training his eyes back on me.

  “You’re a little underweight.”

  “Seriously?”

  Both Mom and he gave me an odd look.

  “Do you think you’re overweight?”

  “Isn’t it obvious?”

  Maybe I wasn’t the crazy one here. He proceeded to show me a chart of height and weight. According to it, he was right.

  “How much do you eat a day?”

  “I try not to eat more than 1200 calories a day if I can. But I’m not that strict.”

  They traded glances. “That amount is for people looking to lose twenty or more pounds.”

  “I thought…”

  I wasn’t sure what I thought.

  “If you told me you weren’t on a diet, I would have assumed you had a smaller frame. You should at least double your calories to maintain your current weight.”

  “Double?”

  “I’m not saying you can’t eat healthy, but we don’t want you losing any more weight. Your body will pull what it needs to survive from other sources like your bones and hair if you don’t feed it.”

  “I don’t have an eating disorder,” I said in disbelief.

  “No one here is saying that. Although I do suggest you talk to someone.”

  The pitying looks Mom gave me said otherwise. In fact, she forced me to go to lunch with her after. To prove them wrong, I didn’t look at the calories part when I selected my meal. I didn’t give on everything. I shut down talk about seeing a therapist.

  By the time I got home, I was feeling more than bitchy. Sawyer stood at the counter and I marched past him and to my room.

  “Where are you going?” he asked.

  “To my room, alone.”

  FORTY-NINE

  Sawyer

  It had been a shit day. I’d talked to my coach earlier that day and I was out for tomorrow’s game, which was great except I did have to suit up.

  When I got home, there was a box waiting for me. Inside was an intricate key. A piece of parchment paper included inside had a time written on it. The symbol on the box and the back of the paper was for the Vanderbilt Society.

  Shelly not only breezed past me, she blew me off before I could tell her I had somewhere to be that night.

  Chance came downstairs. I closed the box, not wanting him to ask me about it and therefore force me to lie. People knew about the society, but in name only. Its true purpose was hidden from everyone.

  “Who shit on your shoes?” he asked.

  I glanced up at him. “You would know,” I said more to myself.

  “Know what?”

  “Shelly’s pissed at me and I don’t have a fucking clue why.”

  She’d slept in my bed the night before, so I thought everything was cool.

  Chance laughed and slapped a hand on my shoulder. “Welcome to the brotherhood.”

  “Brotherhood of what?”

  “Exactly.” He chuckled. “Sometimes you don’t ask when they are in a mood. If you do, you’ll just dig a deeper grave.”

  “There should be a fucking rule book.”

  Chance shook his head. “No, they expect you to read between the lines.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Why can’t they just tell us what the fuck we did wrong?”

  “That would be too easy.”

  Brie came in. “What would be too easy?”

  Chance glanced at me and I knew he was going to throw me under the bus before he spoke.

  “Sawyer and Shelly are fighting.”

  “We are not fighting,” I said. “She’s mad at me and I don’t know what to do.”

  “What did you do?” Brie asked.

  “You got me.” I threw my hands up.

  “Just tell her you’re sorry. That always works.”

  Brie glared at him. “That’s not true, especially if you don’t mean it.”

  I walked away as Brie laid into him. Not knowing what else to do, I knocked on Shelly’s door.

  “Is that you, Sawyer?”

  I tried the knob, but it was locked. “Can I come in?”

  “I don’t want to see you right now.”

  I clenched my fist. “Fine. I have to go out tonight.”

  “Why are you telling me? I’m not your keeper.”

  What the fuck had I done? Before I said something I’d regret, I walked away. I did try one more time before I left that night. I texted I’m sorry even though I felt like a pussy doing it. Maybe she was still mad that I made her call her mom last night. When she didn’t reply, I had to wonder if I was cut out for the boyfriend shit.

  I arrived at the frat house but took the side entrance to the underground bunker that had been specially hollowed out for this purpose. I’d brought Kelley here once to get vengeance on someone who had wronged him. Then, I’d had to get permission to use it. Now, I had a key.

  Once inside, the walk downstairs was like some medieval shit. Torches with actual fire lit the stone walls. The bottom of the stairs opened to a large room. A six-pointed star was painted on the floor. I ducked behind one of the columns that outlined the perimeter of the room to don a robe.

  The room wasn’t empty. Lance, the pain in my pants, glared at Ash, who was three feet away. What the hell? How did he get invited? Though I was sure he wouldn’t be the only inductee of the night I would be surprised by.

  Wordless, Lance flipped up his hood and left the room.

  “Did you know he’d be here?”

  “I’m not surprised,” Ash said. “His mother and all.”

  Historically, women hadn’t been members that I knew of. But then again, I didn’t know everything about the society.

  The robe was the only thing we wore, so every fraternity member had a locker to put their clothes and other stuff in and to keep the robe in when not in use. Lance hadn’t joined freshman year. That still puzzled me how he had a locker and a robe. Then again, I didn’t come here often.

  After I got ready, I walked barefoot into the shadowy room and stood on
one of the circles that rounded the perimeter of the room. At the appointed time, light shone on a figure in the middle.

  “Gentlemen, welcome.”

  Claps sounded all around. Behind the columns were more figures in robes. I guessed they were members inducted from years past. So far, no faces other than ours could be seen given the lighting of the room.

  “This is the beginning. As you finish this semester, your loyalty to our society will be tested. If you pass, you will join us and the future that we will shape for our great nation. Together we are strong and will rule this world. In order to do that, we will need absolute trust. How can we trust you? How can you trust us? You may be called upon in the future. We need to know that you will step up to the plate even over your wives or girlfriends.”

  I wasn’t sure this was for me. It sounded like some bullshit my father would say. The man turned and eyed each one of us. With the poor lighting, when he pivoted in my direction, I got only a hint of what he looked like. And even then, I couldn’t say with certainty.

  “Tonight we will celebrate our journey.”

  He clapped his hands together and a long line of women streamed into the room. They circled him, but faced us. Together they dropped their robes.

  “Let us fest together, sating all our appetites.”

  Servers came in, male and female, with trays of food and drink. The women came over to each of us after taking a cup from the trays of the servers. A tall and curvy redhead brought me mine. She didn’t speak, but her smile was inviting.

  “To our future,” the man said.

  He lifted his goblet. I lifted the one handed to me and raised it. Then I drank. The whiskey wasn’t cheap. I glanced toward where Ash stood. We’d tasted this brand before at my father’s house at the graduation party Tomas threw for me.

  When I finished it, the redhead took it from me and placed it back on the tray. She came back and took my hand, leading me to one of the rooms that was off the center area. Ash was also being led to a room off the main area.

  The small room didn’t have the best lighting. Inside, there was a chair and a bed. There wasn’t much to do in there with a naked girl before me.

  I thought about Shelly. What did I really know about being faithful? I’d never been tied to one girl before.